I woke up at 1am to 5 missed calls; 4 from my mom, and 1 from my sister, asking where I am. After I call them back, I head to San Leandro. I take the long way because I knew I needed time to think things through: what my facial expression should express, what my thesis on the topic is, who I’m doing this for. I remember, I’m doing this for my family, but I’d learn my idea of family in the first place was distorted.

I arrive home to my father in a robe, rosary in hand, grasping for dear religion. We sit in the living room. He knows this is coming. I ask how he is, he tells me he’s been better through the sullen gasp of air he exhales through his nostrils. I don’t fidget, I don’t weight my options, I just go.

I was angry if you didn’t know. That he’s been so lazy, and my parents relationship had deteriorated to this degree because I thought I told him the last time I yelled at him - this was it. And even I didn’t know I was right.

We exchanged harsh, booming words for 30 minutes, a half hour I’ve tried to forget since I drove back to SF. This is why I went to Angie’s place. TK was there. I wanted to forget for a while and be peaceful, but even there, it shook me. I shouldn’t have said those things, but I did. I guess I mean I wish I didn’t regret saying them. Yea, that’s more like it.

Not since my finding out, had I lost control of my emotions. I never want anyone to see me cry, anymore - not even myself - but it seems to be a much harder feat to succeed in. For another half hour, we spent blaming things on each other. How my mother’s never home, how I’ve disrespected him, how he’s been lazy and a fraud.

We tire. We retreat with swollen eyes to the kitchen where dinner is cooked, and I close off my mind to access the situation in which diplomacy failed. There is still war. I am exhausted. So is he. He feels depleted and expendable. But I don’t think I cared.

I leave the house, get in my car, and I drive home. Like I said, I don’t want anyone to see me cry, anymore, so I never will, but I am a little broken still from the events of today. I just don’t want to be alone tonight.