March 2010
1 post
Can’t say that I haven’t been this upset, but I can say it’s been a while. I honestly thought she had more sense that this, but I guess I’m beginning to expect much more from her. Knowing expectations, they’re never fulfilled unless they’re simply that amazing, that connected, and that aware. She’s not. I should accept that.
What if I don’t though....
Can’t xanga this.
I spent the entire day relocating couches, paintings, and tables to my mom’s new house in Daly City. I was completely out of my element, and I can’t even begin to explain the awkwardness when my father looked at the empty living room and went to his room. “His room.” Laughable.
As sad as all this should be, I’ve become so desensitized.
...
February 2010
2 posts
And she said she loves me. Oh, it feels so good to be loved, again.
January 2010
4 posts
Email to Rochelle on my FB status -_-
Dear Rochelle,
I believe this will be a full blown letter, and hopefully its appeal won’t go only as far as its novelty. (“Novelty” you used that word a lot, and so have I ever since. You’re such a trend setter, lame-o)
Anywho, in regards to my current facebook status update, I am now coupled again – this time – with a very pleasant girl named Rejoy. I think I’m subconsciously debating over...
If you do not wish to see me again, i would...
I woke up at 1am to 5 missed calls; 4 from my mom, and 1 from my sister, asking where I am. After I call them back, I head to San Leandro. I take the long way because I knew I needed time to think things through: what my facial expression should express, what my thesis on the topic is, who I’m doing this for. I remember, I’m doing this for my family, but I’d learn my idea of...
Take me there. To the point of all return where somehow - I am seen complete, again and seamless. In self-reflection, that is. Because mirrors don’t do me justice when I view myself with heavy eyes that swell, so I concern myself with fragrant arms and branching fingers that do me well to ease. I need that. Like smoking candles, I had glow that filled a hollow space, but these prayers...
Fall'n Fall'n Fall'n
I was close to quitting WS, but further analysis of my situation has entailed an overlooked mistake: I’ve only been working there less than a year. To find a job quickly would be impossible, and I need the money to pay off my car. After all, that is this job’s purpose (well, booze too haha).
My coworkers (now, my friends) are right though. The new store manager does not have the best...
December 2009
7 posts
Walk'n in a winter wonderland
I spent Christmas with my mother and her side of the family. She slept at my grandmother’s house while my dad spent his Christmas with his brother and sister. I spent an hour with him before I left for my grandparent’s, and I know that this wasn’t enough. But in reality, I didn’t go to my grandparent’s for my mom. I went because that’s where my sister was. I...
Cigarettes and Chocolate milk
This is me. This is me with my guards down. This is me scared as fuck. Awesome… damnit.
You know that I could use somebody
I believe that I am liking this girl too much for my own good. “too much,” being the understatement, and “my own good,” being the critique. I couldn’t imagine her being my type; however, I could imagine so much more with her. “with her,” having no reference to future because relationships with foresight scare me - even if I gave her a lie. I am scared. I...
Biking everyday after finals. I need to set short goals.
Joy Again
It never takes too long. So they say. And I believe them, now. Because I have not seen precious for so long, and I have never heard a snore with your syncopation, how it calms me, how it rocks me, how it shatters me to sleep with quiet irony and comic. Relieved, I am, of a post I stood so long to guard what guards me where gardens thrive and sleep. You do. You slumber, and I am first to witness...
“By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest;...”
– Confucius
November 2009
10 posts
Shirley Temple
Why? I hate that question because it’s so deceivingly open-ended, yet I’m always asking it. From my experiences, I’ve answered a few, but regardless, it’s so much harder knowing that the crucial ones still float in my memories… “why?”
Thanksgiving - in essence, not historically - is a short stretch of time given to thank the shit out of your life, but I...
Dynamics
I don’t know how I’d say this gently without aggravating my own dismay, but I’m sure the difference in jargon will foster the same emotions. I knew this day would come. Slowly, it did, a creeper of its own kind. My parents, however crafty they’d tried to be, have reached a crashing resolve, leaving the son and the daughter - torn. They’re calling it quits, throwing...
how many crutches does it take to keep a heart standing?
and there is the dense blow of a steel fist to the soft flesh of my heart…
I live in no fairy tale, and though I’m one to wish on stars, I never expect anything but a twinkle for my resolve.
I’m in San Leandro. My sister called me, crying, telling me how home is not a home. My parents are sleeping in different rooms, and while my dad suffers from the trauma of his reality check, my mom is never home. I came home today, not to fix, but to observe the...
So don’t tell anyone, but… if I disappear for a few hours in Vegas…
it’s probably because I’m front row at the Pacquiao fight! hahahahaahhaha oh, shit. I love hook ups. sorry, guys. this will be the only time i’ll ditch because this is the only time i won’t feel the least bit guilty.
I deleted my last post, seeing as how I feel that it was very unfair to judge her prematurely.
I am not of the right mindset as of lately. I’m always exhausted. I do little things to keep me same, but they are never enough to make me happy.
I wish. I wish I wish I wish. That I could consider myself blessed, but everything is spinning. And I can’t seem to sober my spirit from the...
I deleted my last post, seeing as how I feel that it was very unfair to judge her prematurely.
I am not of the right mindset as of lately. I’m always exhausted. I do little things to keep me same, but they are never enough to make me happy.
I wish. I wish I wish I wish. That I could consider myself blessed, but everything is spinning. And I can’t seem to sober my spirit from the...
I deleted my last post, seeing as how I feel that it was very unfair to judge her prematurely.
I am not of the right mindset as of lately. I’m always exhausted. I do little things to keep me same, but they are never enough to make me happy.
I wish. I wish I wish I wish. That I could consider myself blessed, but everything is spinning. And I can’t seem to sober my spirit from the...
She said she loved my hands. Because of the music it plays and the pros they write.
and I’m wondering
why can’t I find anything wrong with this girl
October 2009
15 posts
My guard is up, but on tumblr, I let them fall.
Classic is the view you’re in, black and white, but you’ve got a radiance of colors in your eyes despite the shades you wear to keep them hidden. And when the sun’s sleeping, we romance the brilliant stars to dance on the streaks of dissipated clouds leaving my lungs, a silver lining, you can say. I remember Paris. the Eiffel tower. And how it compares not to the elevated feeling I get around your...
Study until 5. Go to work. Help Rejoy’s roommate move. Come home, study some more. Seriously pulling an all nighter.
What happened in SL tonight after work
My father looked ill tonight. Not of body, but of the soul. His tears traced from the foot of his bed where he had cried to where I stood and his hair was whiter than I could remember. I could remember more, but I am too prideful and too stubborn to try to. With his hands clasped between his closed eyes, red he whispered apologies for not being like my mother. This isn’t how it’s...
Wild Flowers > Wild Fire
When I start posting random ass one liners on my facebook, that’s when I know I’m in trouble. Because I’m stuck. This g’damn girl; I’m stuck. Why are you so… inspiring
?
Spice
So I did it. I kissed her. On the cheek, mind you, but I did.
She saw me a half-second before my lips touched her cheek, and I heard her hold her breath. After, we sat motionless, staring at the blankness of the living room. 1 second. 2 seconds. 3. We burst out laughing at the awkwardness coupled with serendipity, and I tell her, “uhhh. i need a smoke break.” It takes 5 minutes to...
Temple
This has to be the worst hangover ever. Got’damn
Anyway, everyone knows that I’m a complete romantic. I’m the type of guy who - because life can be a drag - likes to escape reality, lose myself in the moment. I’m the type of guy who will slow dance with a girl to no music, cook a girl dinner, put my arm around a date at a movie theater, compose a song, or write poetry...
Symph. #2 - Schubert
I am tired. School and work are really depleting my happiness reservoir. lol Other than being constantly exhausted, I’m fairly happy. Last night was a notable one, seeing as how it was a night of crossing thresholds. One, I finally said something to Janell which for me, is a big step in the right direction because I’ve been ignoring the girl for two months. I’ll say hi....
“It’s not that we had no heart or eyes for pain. We were all afraid. We all...”
– The Joy Luck Club (24)
Oh, my. I’m trying so hard - really, I am - to not like this girl. It’s too soon, but I love hanging out with her. She draws, plays the violin/guitar, we’ve talked about our “stories” our pasts, we’ve been drunk together, she’s met my friends, i’ve met hers, she’s grabbed my hand after the horror flick scared, we’ve hung out since 6am,...
Drunk talk. Shuttup
There’s probability. May it be fixed to bias, I have no nerve to ask, but it is in someone’s favor. And though statistics may be relevant, it is corrupted. Because even now. Even despite. And even time. I still.
Why don't we
Fuck it. Just keep going.
Why can't I
Sometimes it’s difficult to talk to old friends. Because, if by chance - we meet at a cross roads, we’ll eye each other and have only expectations. We’ve all worked hard these past few years, growing, and preceding our own dreams - but what I care for more is that second where all that change doesn’t scare us, anymore. And we just talk - and feel comfortable. I view some...
twas just one of those nights. boo.
This is for personal measure.
Everyday, I doubt myself a little more. Not only that, but I feel that no matter how hard I try, I only try to fail. Why? I study extensively. I work. I treat my friends right. But somewhere, along the thickness of the line I tread, there is some skewed-gaping hole I seem to fall in without fail. I’ll miss an important homework. I’ll sleep in, miss my on...
September 2009
17 posts
Lemonde
So yea. After writing that, I finally know it’s over. No hope. No agenda. Just living.
Finally.
Free fall'n
It’s 10pm. I just got home from work, and I’m exhausted. Class from 11am-5pm, woke up early to take care of some business, worked from 6-closing, and I want to run a few miles at the sfsu track, but I’m afraid I won’t get very far.
I’m busy. I’ve mentioned this numerous times before, but I swear, I’ve never been this caught up in my life. Honestly, as...
Know what it really means to love someone
Sometimes I feel you next to me, head quietly resting on my shoulder, hair smelling like dance practice and rain. Sometimes I see dresses you’ve worn and hello kitty paraphernalia you’d want; even some you’d think was ugly but want anyway. Sometimes I want to play hot lava, place the pillows like a path on an open floor, and be a grown ass kid with you. Sometimes I know this will...
“We…need to forgive ourselves…For all the things we didn’t do....”
– Morrie
secrets and regrets, don't lie
Supernatural’s first episode of the first season is on tonight. If I watch it by myself, I’ll pee my pants.
It’s 15minutes till 4am, and I can’t sleep even though I’ve been up since 10am schooling/working. It’s been the busiest days of my life, juggling my social life and my priorities, but it’s even more challenging doing it all by myself - with no one to depend on. Not even emotionally. (I’m not even referring to Janell or anything. I’m talking in general.)
...
It’s not my business what does or doesn’t make you happy, but I still don’t understand it. I still don’t get how you loved me so much, only to be with him. I get it to the degree of which you left because I was indecisive, but I can’t understand how you gave yourself to someone new. So quickly.
It’s a matter of the heart, I guess. You give it to whomever you...
“Here, where the sea shimmers
And the wind gusts strongly
On an old terrace
In...”
– Caruso - Lucio Dalla (in English)
It hurts tonight. “Then suddenly a tear fell, and he believed he was drowning”
Sherry bought ice cream. SUPER FAIL on the diet. Whatever.
3 month diet plan. 3 month exercise plan. cigarette/alcohol intake decrease. mental capacity increase. here we go. starting right now.
